Half Life Déjàvu!

If the average life expectancy is 70, I am half way there today. You keep hearing, “40 is the new 30”, “50 is the new 40”, but, somehow those statements are reserved for multiples of 10 only. When you are 35, you are still 35. The only high you get is moving to next census bracket and insurance risk level. However at times like these, you look to your life partner for assurance and she came through with flying colors today by gifting me a book titled, “ How to be an Adult”!

The trajectory of Birthdays are like playing with your best friend's little daughter. You are excited in the initial stages even though you are not adept at handling a 2 year old. As time passes by and she asks you to pick the same ball she has been throwing for the past 45 minutes, you realize the pain of serving a new master. When you get to 16,18,21,25, in spite of your career not going great and in spite of having a huge credit card debt, you are still excited and feel like the rest of life awaits you. The moment you hit 28 though, the big 30 starts sneaking up. You are supposed to feel empathy for others now. You are supposed to be “somewhere” in the next two years otherwise you are just another 30 year old with more debt and an okay career, which doesn’t seem to ever take off.

Turning 30 feels like all your bluffs are finally being called out. You really get serious about yourself. You begin to make amends. Casual Sex is dangerous. Buying a home is important. Constant Cussing is considered juvenile. Yearly medical check-ups are not optional anymore. In other words, your time to mess up is officially over.Compared to turning 30, 35 is not that bad except you are even more closer to 40. But then, if you manage to shed that extra 20 pounds, even if no one tells you, you can use the “My 40 feels like 30”(although those extra 20 pounds have been in your body since Citibank sent you a pre-approved credit card when you got out of college).

I just don’t understand why those who are born celebrate Birthdays. They didn’t contribute anything to that process. Technically, it is an occasion for your parent’s hard work (pun intended ofcourse). Your mom should be going, “I never thought I carried such a glue filled, gross looking thing in my belly for doing something fun. This will be the day I celebrate how I don’t have to see that thing in same state I gave birth to for rest of my life and losing all that baby fat”. I am sure the Parents who invite the whole world for those 1-2-3 birthdays are celebrating just to prove to rest of the world and pat themselves on their own backs that this evolutionary species is still alive and they haven’t sold it or dropped it enough to have psychological trauma(not everyone is that lucky).  

Maybe they should call Birthdays as (Death) Countdown days(year)! If average life expectancy is 70, when you are 10, you celebrate countdown year 60. When you are 20, it is 50. You are not so lucky when you are 35. Birthday and Countdown Day coincides! You are screwed in the middle! There is one upside though. Calling it Countdown Year will make more people stick to their resolutions for more than 3 weeks.

Perhaps the saddest part moving forward is, you cant say “F*** U” to the little 10yr old kid when he calls you “Uncle!”. For some reason, I always associated the word "Uncle" as someone with huge paunch(damn those 20 pounds), lazy(don’t ask my wife’s opinion on that) and generally talkative kinds who blabber about things you don’t give a rat’s ass about! F***! I have become a friggin Uncle!

Denial, my fellow brethren, is the root cause of happiness!
35 ? what 35 ? you mean Fahrenheit or centigrade ?