25 August 2011
Do you know the moment when your self morphs from an excited illusion,falling into burnt dark brown earth,shrinking into an unknown version of you? A version that would make dementors lick their fingers to devour you? A version that you have to carry across the desert with no hope ? A version that after months of gloom, slowly regains the strength but more wary, less wise but sometimes with more understanding of the times you were flying ?
When you think of memories with someone and the eventual loss of that person, what probably hurts most is the loss of our version with them. The version where you dared to do things without fear. A version where the words fell on the pages without effort. A version where inspiration was a feeling that you transmuted effortlessly in to works of art. A version where you felt the movement of beating heart pumping more than blood. It's the unknown unsaid equation that both of them knew. It's a lie that both of them live up to and some of them succeed in making it true. Perhaps all great works of art arise out of it. A pretentious lie that the belief of it by the person you love,makes it true. And when that person rejects that version or doesn't acknowledge it, another version emerges.
Maybe we all are used to versions from our birth. One to Mom,one to siblings,one to granddad and one to the taunting bully in fourth grade.We get comfortable with our versions. We pat ourselves on our back at our ability to switch between our versions. There is a version where we share our secrets. There is a version where we protect those secrets fiercely.
And then, there are Versions with people who upgrade you. Transform you.
Like your history teacher who told you,"If you want to study differentiation, look at Moghul era, if you want to understand Integration, look at Ashoka.Math will help you earn money, History will help you earn respect!".
Like the day you realized your parents aren't even middle class when you asked for that donation to engineering college. Like the day you realized the job that paid you the most is not the one you want. Like the day you found that your injury to shoulder doesn't make you eligible for any professional sports.
Maybe there is a cycle to all this. An uninhibited raw free spirit version. A mishap. An accident of life events that causes you to stumble and fall. You rise up cautiously. Live carefully. Aware of pitfalls but you fall nevertheless finding a new one. You have an urge to feel integrated but your realities don't allow you to. You juggle your versions knowing well which one is real. And, when your real one takes a beating, you re-form,re-morph,re-cleanse and start walking always longing for a previous version or hoping for a newer version.
Perhaps our goal is to find a version that gives us peace.To live a version that makes us whole. To accept our versions,constantly effacing,resurfacing,refacing our core forming a new version of self!