Window of Offensive Opportunity!

“I have seen it done better!”

A Sly remark. Unjust. Unwarranted. Quick. Sharp. Your nerves boil in an instant. Just when you thought you could stand that person, they had to make you feel unskilled, incapable, unworthy and above all, disrespected. While your mind is blanking out with these thoughts, the offender has moved on to next item on their list. The conversation has moved on. You just lost your “Window” to get back. You lost your “Window” to ask “How can you? “. You lost your “Window” to say “How Dare You?”

Maybe you are not accustomed to being rude to someone. Perhaps you have the tenacity to stay above the fray. Maybe it's your inability to come back quickly with a witty comment or equally offending statement. I am sure you even tried using that “window” of opportunity once but it back-fired big time since you had only one repartee in your bag. And the verbal attacker made sure the rest of the argument is about your response than the original insult.

More often than not, these verbal attacks come from family and friends. Peers and superiors have a different way of bullying but it is the close ones that hurt the most. When you let a verbal abuse slide with reasoning like love, age, respect, it wrecks your peace of mind, self esteem and self respect. You are squirming all day inside replaying those dialogues. And worse, you say YES to all those things that you wanted to say NO with them. The pile of frustrations and disappointments mount and one day, you burst out “F*** OFF!”, when all they said was “I thought you didn’t like coffee!”

Instead, if you get back within that window of few seconds, quickly and immediately, protecting your self respect with verbal self defense, then you take control of your life. You don’t pile the shit. You clean the mess, then and there! Standard responses like “Is that So? “, “Really?”,”And you know me so well to judge me, is it?” always helps, especially if you can’t think on your feet.

The next time your Mom tells you, you are no good; tell her, she needs to watch her mouth! The next time your brother says you are no good, tell him to mind his own business! The next time your hubby says lose twenty pounds, ask him to take a look in the mirror! Life is not worth living, putting up with verbal attackers. Use your window of offensive opportunity to DEFEND your own SELF!

Clanking the "KANK"!

The most awaited movie of the year in Bollywood has finally been released and ready to be ripped apart by critics and viewers alike. There was no lack of motivation to see this flick as my wife digs Abhishek and I dig Rani Mukherjee (now stop thinking nasty), and above all, our living room was hostage to two wonderful kids of visiting friends, who made our hearts pound faster with each thud on the hardwood floors.

The 8’oclock show started promptly at 8.30pm and we were excited to find the ‘first’ seats (Row 1, Seat no.1&2 right under the 20ft. screen). My loyal friend called in to convey the happy news at that exact moment,
“The Movie is only three and a half hours long! Enjoy!”

Dhoom-2 trailer and Kabul Express trailer followed and I was quite amazed by the glimpses of Dhoom-2(Svelte Aish,Smoking Bips..Train in Desert..!). Maybe, just maybe, our guys are finally reaching international standards in Editing, Sound and other technical areas. Now, if only I could say that for screenplay (there are exceptions ofcourse).

The Movie started amidst usual noisy desi-aunties looking for diapers under the chair and uncles looking for a spot to spit their worn-out paan! Enter Shahrukh Khan in the usual Johar-movie-style entry (Basketball, Cricket…now Soccer) with a penalty kick and lifting of his jersey after the goal (now…who wears so many layers under the jersey?). Rani enters the movie looking pretty in Manish Malhotra designer-Saree but also glum as she is wondering if she should wait for the perfect species to mate or go with available meat (Abhishek)! Shahrukh tells her to be sensible and not wait for the elusive Himalayan Goat curry! Meanwhile Amitabh comes on the screen as the Desi-Pimp-with-Angrezi-Memsaab! Abhishek, on the other hand, is introduced as Desi-Party-Dude-deeply-in-love-with-hot-desi-teacher Rani! Preity Zinta makes her initial presence as the bitchy-wife-uncaring-mom-ambitious-woman routine as she misses play boy hubby’s match winning goal (and this is just first 5mins of movie...don’t lose the patience)!

After 4yrs, Rani “tries” to enact how married couples behave after 4yrs.She apparently vacuums and cleans every inch of her NY apartment which only costs a measly million bucks. Paying hundred bucks to a cleaning lady is impossible! Meanwhile Shahrukh limps (whenever he feels like) as his football dreams have been shattered by a car accident right after he told Rani to forget Himalayan Goat Curry (1-very significant piece of information to remember in the movie)!

Blah..blah..blu..Glu..Glah..flu...after two hours, Rani runs to Railway station in middle of night after a fight with her party-paneer and voila! At exactly 5 mins before,Shahrukh has a fight with his home-made-halwa and both unhappy spouses meet at Grand Central! They see each other and Shahrukh confesses his love for Rani uttering those memorable words “I even remember the date and time of falling in love with you (refer 1 above)”! It’s not like love at first sight or a slow realization of deep connection. It’s more like “you are looking for spicy goat curry and I am looking for Bengali Rasgulla”!

While on the prowl with Chandigarh-Mami, our old-Horny-desi-pimp, Amitabh, finds the wild irresponsible, irritating, not-moving-your-ass-to-find-a-new-job-standing-in-middle-of-road-Indian buffalo, Shahrukh , canoodling with his Bengali-Bahu-Himalayan-explorer, Rani! Pimp gets a heart attack, and Bengali-Bahu feels guilty, the “new lovers” decide home-made-food is more important for survival than the five-star-khana they have been relishing and decide to end their quest for hidden-treasures!

Preity slaps, Abhishek throws, and Chandigarh-mami hits a same-side goal! Mini-Olympics ensues and they are banned for substance abuse (that too enjoyable abuse…if it wasn’t good, they could have returned to Olympic village happily in their original choice and didn’t have to reveal their happy-ending-episodes)! The spouses get more pissed off hearing their episodes as they had more opportunities than these losers and still they beat them to the punch! After tears, more tears, extra unnecessary 5 reels, the most awaited moment of the movie arrives! THE CREDITS! My spinal chord, which by now, had locked into an awkward position got relieved by the hurrying Punjabi lady’s handbag slamming at the base of my pituitary gland!

Now, to be fair, I did enjoy the movie! Some of the dialogues were really good and some of the portions were glaringly missing like making the case for Rani to look outside marriage and the reasons for feeling Shahrukh as “the one” for her! The makers got confused into making this about “looking out phases” in marriage and love story! Nevertheless, a very good desi attempt!

“To be or Not to be?”
“Depends on whether you are Rich & Thin or Fat & Middle class :)”