17 August 2006

Clanking the "KANK"!

The most awaited movie of the year in Bollywood has finally been released and ready to be ripped apart by critics and viewers alike. There was no lack of motivation to see this flick as my wife digs Abhishek and I dig Rani Mukherjee (now stop thinking nasty), and above all, our living room was hostage to two wonderful kids of visiting friends, who made our hearts pound faster with each thud on the hardwood floors.

The 8’oclock show started promptly at 8.30pm and we were excited to find the ‘first’ seats (Row 1, Seat no.1&2 right under the 20ft. screen). My loyal friend called in to convey the happy news at that exact moment,
“The Movie is only three and a half hours long! Enjoy!”

Dhoom-2 trailer and Kabul Express trailer followed and I was quite amazed by the glimpses of Dhoom-2(Svelte Aish,Smoking Bips..Train in Desert..!). Maybe, just maybe, our guys are finally reaching international standards in Editing, Sound and other technical areas. Now, if only I could say that for screenplay (there are exceptions ofcourse).

The Movie started amidst usual noisy desi-aunties looking for diapers under the chair and uncles looking for a spot to spit their worn-out paan! Enter Shahrukh Khan in the usual Johar-movie-style entry (Basketball, Cricket…now Soccer) with a penalty kick and lifting of his jersey after the goal (now…who wears so many layers under the jersey?). Rani enters the movie looking pretty in Manish Malhotra designer-Saree but also glum as she is wondering if she should wait for the perfect species to mate or go with available meat (Abhishek)! Shahrukh tells her to be sensible and not wait for the elusive Himalayan Goat curry! Meanwhile Amitabh comes on the screen as the Desi-Pimp-with-Angrezi-Memsaab! Abhishek, on the other hand, is introduced as Desi-Party-Dude-deeply-in-love-with-hot-desi-teacher Rani! Preity Zinta makes her initial presence as the bitchy-wife-uncaring-mom-ambitious-woman routine as she misses play boy hubby’s match winning goal (and this is just first 5mins of movie...don’t lose the patience)!

After 4yrs, Rani “tries” to enact how married couples behave after 4yrs.She apparently vacuums and cleans every inch of her NY apartment which only costs a measly million bucks. Paying hundred bucks to a cleaning lady is impossible! Meanwhile Shahrukh limps (whenever he feels like) as his football dreams have been shattered by a car accident right after he told Rani to forget Himalayan Goat Curry (1-very significant piece of information to remember in the movie)!

Blah..blah..blu..Glu..Glah..flu...after two hours, Rani runs to Railway station in middle of night after a fight with her party-paneer and voila! At exactly 5 mins before,Shahrukh has a fight with his home-made-halwa and both unhappy spouses meet at Grand Central! They see each other and Shahrukh confesses his love for Rani uttering those memorable words “I even remember the date and time of falling in love with you (refer 1 above)”! It’s not like love at first sight or a slow realization of deep connection. It’s more like “you are looking for spicy goat curry and I am looking for Bengali Rasgulla”!

While on the prowl with Chandigarh-Mami, our old-Horny-desi-pimp, Amitabh, finds the wild irresponsible, irritating, not-moving-your-ass-to-find-a-new-job-standing-in-middle-of-road-Indian buffalo, Shahrukh , canoodling with his Bengali-Bahu-Himalayan-explorer, Rani! Pimp gets a heart attack, and Bengali-Bahu feels guilty, the “new lovers” decide home-made-food is more important for survival than the five-star-khana they have been relishing and decide to end their quest for hidden-treasures!

Preity slaps, Abhishek throws, and Chandigarh-mami hits a same-side goal! Mini-Olympics ensues and they are banned for substance abuse (that too enjoyable abuse…if it wasn’t good, they could have returned to Olympic village happily in their original choice and didn’t have to reveal their happy-ending-episodes)! The spouses get more pissed off hearing their episodes as they had more opportunities than these losers and still they beat them to the punch! After tears, more tears, extra unnecessary 5 reels, the most awaited moment of the movie arrives! THE CREDITS! My spinal chord, which by now, had locked into an awkward position got relieved by the hurrying Punjabi lady’s handbag slamming at the base of my pituitary gland!

Now, to be fair, I did enjoy the movie! Some of the dialogues were really good and some of the portions were glaringly missing like making the case for Rani to look outside marriage and the reasons for feeling Shahrukh as “the one” for her! The makers got confused into making this about “looking out phases” in marriage and love story! Nevertheless, a very good desi attempt!

“To be or Not to be?”
“Depends on whether you are Rich & Thin or Fat & Middle class :)”


Maltova said...

"you are looking for spicy goat curry and I am looking for Bengali Rasgulla"....

Hilarious! Now don't we all aspire for that hotel ka khaana at home. With some tips from Sanjay Kapoor of the Khaana Khazana fame, we can have it too.

Talking abt looking for food outside ones home, how many desis really do, go that extra mile to keep the spark inmarriages alive.

btw, nice review rama, am glad nobodys' in the office.

Maltova said...

Btw, did you click that profile picture?

Great timing and quite funny! :)

Anonymous said...

hey Rama,
that was hilarious...

small squirrel said...


hilarious. I cannot believe you saw this movie in the US before I was able to catch it here in India. Good for you man. I am still laughing. I miss your writing. Don;t take such a long hiatus next time!!!!!!

off to have a rava masala dosa! ;)

Priyamvada_K said...

"While on the prowl with Chandigarh-Mami, our old-Horny-desi-pimp, Amitabh, finds the wild irresponsible, irritating, not-moving-your-ass-to-find-a-new-job-standing-in-middle-of-road-Indian buffalo, Shahrukh , canoodling with his Bengali-Bahu-Himalayan-explorer, Rani!"

ROTFL. Especially the Indian buffalo and Himalayan explorer bit. This is the best review I ever read on this movie - and the most entertaining!

So glad to see you back, Rama! Thank you for the laughs.


MotoRama said...

Hey Maltova,
I was just trying to go the extra mile to keep this blog alive....and as far as going the extra mile in marriage, ahem ahem...extra inches are more than enough ;)

No..Dude..someone else clicked the picture..but i definitely agree ;)

Thanks Usha!Tata..Birla..Infosys!Btw,send me your bloglink..i can take a peek at ur stuff!

Hey SSQUIRRELLY.....Hugssss...You didn't tell me you have opened a new blog....only today i saw it..!Will see you there!

Hey Priya,
Thanks a lot! I know you like my serious stuff more than the glib ones but hey...u laughed..so guess its not that bad!

Maltova said...

Is that right?

Well said buddy! Wonder what Johar thinks abt that?

Amarula said...

Fun review Moto! :) keep reviewing those curries plz!

MotoRama said...

I hate to think what KJ would think on that ..Maltova,esp. knowing his "preferences" ;)

Hey Amarula(sounds unique)!
Thanks for dropping by!Maybe i will follow it up with Himalyan Goat Curry recipe!

Harini Calamur said...

rotfl - that's such a funny review :) and from all accounts more enjoyable than the film.

Parvati said...

Hahaha.One of the best reviews for the movie that I have read since the movie released here - but then, all are praising it without respite. YOU LIKED THE MOVIE?!!! Poor you. The new job is killing your sensible sensibilities, poor Ram.

Splendid to have you back. Not many other blogs brightens and lightens the day as yours does. Write more and write often and no more breaks, new jobs or no new jobs...

Prat said...

I thought your page looked different sometime ago. It was yours only, na?
Bahut confuse kar rahey ho yaar.
Haan, honestly I think that your review is eons better than the dumb movie. Total waste of 3.5 hrs and 100 rs...imagine, I could have bought 20 plates of Pani Puri...bliss for a month.
Anyway,I used the time productively. For example, I used a blunt paper knife to gently peel the skin off my friends hand, reminding him that one more tear and he will be dead meat.
So whens that elusive trip home and all that?

MotoRama said...

Hey Harini,
Good to be back..and see the old folks still rocking!

Hey Parvati,
I am kinda guy who has been fed on "Rowdy Pondatti", "Aatha veetu paiyyan" and other wonderfully titled movies. So KANK was definitely better than them.I like the fact he tried to say something different..if not convincingly but nevertheless, he has tried.

Hey Prat,
Did u say "HIM" ? Now..i sure hope that dude is not KJ category ;) As far India plans go, hopefully end of this year or listening to Rahman Desh Bhakti geeth(whichever comes first)!

Fizo said...

very cool review..I am sure more enjoyable than the movie though I havent seen it...I for one will watch it just to see AB Jr Rock and Roll Soniye! It would be wonderful to watch him overshadow the supposed Super Star! [boy! he needs to take a break from crying!]

[no Warsi around, eh? ;-) ]

Misreflection said...

hey its good to have you back, review was hilarious .. can't wait to see it.. but in my neck of the woods that may mean a long long wait... so will make do with your extensive account for now. ..

MotoRama said...

Heyyyy Fizzaarsi!
hahaha! I wud definitely checkout "circuit" in the next few months!And you are absolutely right abt "supposed" Super star. It's like even a 6yr old can guess his mannerisms and reaction! Needs an acting make-over!Will catch u around in ur blog!

Hey Misreflection!
How r ya ? Been a long time..didn't knew u checked out Indian movies(let me Fed-Ex some if its going to take a long time) ;)