08 December 2005
“I want to see Rajan”, I told Hari firmly.
I didn’t expect him to understand why. He didn’t know the history between Rajan and me…he didn’t have to..
They say life is made of moments. And I had a lot of moments with Rajan.
The bicycle rides with him to school. The mindless gibberish all night in the terrace of our building. The day he jumped into water to save me even though he didn’t know swimming (next door Shekhar uncle had to save both of us). The day he understood he can’t touch me freely anymore since I had become a “big” girl, the day we shared our first kiss...when we realized we were more than “friends”, the day he asked my dad to marry me,the day he waited for me in the Kerala border hoping i would come to lead a wonderful life...with him forever...
Well, much has happened since then. They say time heals everything. They sure did for a long time until my last prognosis, which gave me utmost 3 months to live. I wasn’t afraid of dying. All I could think when I found the news was I should see Rajan one last time. I just didn’t want any regrets before my death. And one of the biggest regrets of my life was not giving Rajan,an explanation.
Tell him why I didn’t stand up for him, for our love, even though I knew it was the best thing that would happen to me . Tell him why I wasn’t strong enough. Tell him how stupid I was to believe in a myth called Society. Tell him how I believed in sacrifice for the happiness of my parents although I did not question how they can be happy when I am unhappy. Tell him why I was such a coward...and didn't come on that fateful day...
Guess finally its time for this 80 year old grandmother to stand up, muster the courage and strength to see her old boyfriend and share my true feelings. After all, he is the only reminder of my childhood…my first love..and certainly the happiest days of my life…